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London during the Olympics - Good luck to you.

Thursday 19 July 2012
You see those crowds? That was in MAY.

Every so often, I get a surge of relief flooding through my body when I realise I'm not going to be anywhere near London during the Olympics. Not that I was ever planning on it - it's like the surge of relief you get when you wake up and realise you're not getting eaten by a shark.

We could all be pleasantly surprised. The tube mightn't be as manic as expected. The crowds might be lovely. But really? I think it's going to be a hell hole.

Sure, there will be a buzz around the place. But will a bit of excitement be enough to make up for the sheer horror of the crowds?

The underground can't hold the amount of commuters it has at the moment, let alone the strain of another 73 billion people that will be passing through.

When I was last in London, I was getting the tube from Edgware Road back to Putney. This was always a good route, because Edgware is the first stop, so you're almost guaranteed a seat. However, on this day, we had to stop at Earl's Court, and all get off to change trains. This was about 5.30pm.

As we were piling off the train, I realised that the people on the platform were not moving. They had a prime position - no way were they moving backwards so we could skip the line. There was nowhere to go, no option but to push. Where did they expect us to go? I was hot, and cross.

When the time came to get back on another train, it was anarchy. A group of older tourist ladies shoved me in the tit, so they could all get on before me. As I was swept by the crowd onto the train, a surge of people came from behind, all insisting on boarding the same one... that was full.

I was pushed further and further in, despite the fact that there WAS NO SODDING ROOM. I ended up being pushed in so far that I had to shout

"We literally cannot go any further. I am ON A MAN."

I was, too. I'd been pushed so far into him that I was now moving up him, climbing his back. The pushing stopped. I had no choice but to become acquainted with this gent. I ended up resting my chin on his shoulder for the rest of my journey.

We didn't fall in love, by the way. I know, I know. It's what I was thinking too. But he didn't even look at me.

I think about this moment when anyone mentions transport during the Olympics. If you're going, or are unfortunate enough to be working there, I wish you the best of luck.

If, however, you're thinking of making a last minute escape, take a look at this great video from Failte Ireland, with Chris O'Dowd, the Boyle boy done good. Everyone come here! We'll have our own Olympics, and it'll be great.

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