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Wedding Survival Guide: For the single ladies

Wednesday 19 September 2012
Tip 1 - Borrow another boyfriend's knee

Going to a wedding alone may be tough, but not for the reasons you think. Personally, I don't get the whimsy feeling of "Oh, sigh. When's it going to be my turn?" It doesn't really bother me, not having a man on my side.

As my summer of weddings comes to a close, I thought I'd compile a little guide to going to weddings on your lonesome. Because, after five of them, I'm the expert.

Count yourself lucky

Don't forget, going to a wedding with a guy can be tough. Then you'll know all about meddling questions. When is it going to be your turn? What about children? Are you living together? Why not?

From observing couples at weddings, I've discovered that they're most likely to be asked the questions they're not asking each other.

Any question about babies I find hideously offensive. You're asking a couple about riding, people!

If you're single, you get away pretty lightly. Once someone has established that you're by yourself, you tend to just get a sympathetic look, an awkward silence and, ultimately, some kind of uplifting encouragement that one day you'll find love.

I will?! Jeepers, thanks mister!


See any moment when you're forced to dance as a crisitunity. If you find yourself in the middle of a dancefloor when a slow jam comes on, there will almost definitely be a single guy to be found. And if not, just grab anyone. Steal a boyfriend, a dad, or just dance the fucking thing alone, hands on your own back, teen movie style.

I actually did this, at a wedding when a DJ was annoyingly insistent about slow dances.

"All the couples to the floor, couples dancing, all the couples..." he would cry in his sleezy DJ voice.

After I'd sloped away from the dancefloor a few times, I thought "Fuck it". I wanted to dance, and he wasn't going to stop me.

I also danced with my friend's unborn child, Cletus the Fetus. He was a beautiful mover. I reckon his stone cold sober mum had a ball, too.

Beware of the curse of Beyonce

At some point during the reception, you'll hear the words"All the single ladies!" come blaring out of the speakers. Before you fall into the trap and run to the dancefloor, stop and think.

Take a look around you. Is anyone else moving? At one wedding, I was caught out. I lept to the floor and began to dance, looking around me only to see that EVERYONE ELSE HAD LEFT. I was the only single lady, and the only bugger dancing. I had no choice but to keep moving, and was soon joined by an elderly French man who took pity on me.

And by the way, I'm fully aware that this was mentioned in a hilarious episode of Parks and Recreation. But, let me assure you, it happened in my own real life.

Actually, you know what? Fuck it. It's a good song - go and dance to it. It's kind of like a mating call at weddings anyway. It lets all the single guys know where you are.

Damn Matchmakers

The main trap you'll fall into as a single wedding guest is needling bloody couples who want nothing more than to see you settled downm just like them. If you so much as look at a guy during a wedding, they'll come running up to you, giddy and practically wetting themselves with excitement, to ask you all about him.

"Ooohhh, you guys are getting on so well! Do you like him? Are you going to see him again? Go and dance with him! Oh my God, you love him!"

There's only one way to deal with this. Grab the guy in question and ride him, right in the middle of the dance floor. It's the only way to shut them up.

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