Are you a "stupid idiot"? Here's how to check in online. Idiot.

Are you a "stupid idiot"? Here's how to check in online. Idiot.

Friday 14 September 2012

Scented candles optional.

Well, the old charmer's done it again. After a customer complained about being landed with fees in the region of €300 for failing to print boarding passes, Michael O'Leary responded in a typically outspoken manner...

"She wasn’t able to print her boarding card because, as you know, there are no internet cafés in Alicante, there are no hotels in Alicante that would provide print-outs and no fax machines so that some friend or colleague at home could print them out and fax them down to you."  

“She then comes home and gets on Twitter, God help us all, and somehow we are going to change our policies. No we’re not."

“Mother pays £200 for being an idiot and failing to comply with her agreement at the time of booking.

“She wrote to me last week asking for compensation and a gesture of goodwill.

“To which we have replied, politely but firmly, thank you Mrs McLeod but it was your fuck up and if you screw up, you compensate us and you send us a gesture of goodwill"

I love the fact that he believes "it was your fuck up" to be polite.

The passenger, who was travelling with her parents and two children, was staying in a rural villa, away from Alicante, with no internet access. She was there for 15 days, which explains why she couldn't print out her return pass when she checked in for the outgoing flight. 5 passengers at €60 per person? Blammo.

Unsprisingly, there was a fair bit of backlash from the public, to which O'Leary defended himself against in the Indpendent...

"I was not calling her stupid, but all those passengers are stupid who think we will change our policies or our fees"

Straight away, this reminded me of one of the best episodes of Parks and Recreation, The Fight, where Leslie Knope gets zorked on Snake Juice and fights with Ann...

"You’re stupid and you’re a jerk and you’re stupid...

"I didn’t mean that, you know I didn’t mean that. I just meant you were being stupid and you were acting like a jerk."
 

Whatever you think about the way O'Leary treats his passengers (and fellow human beings), the main thing we can take from this is what we knew to be true all along.

You're never going to get away with not playing by the Ryanair rules.

There are no exceptions, idiot. Haven't you heard of a fax machine? (Honestly, I had forgotten that fax machines existed until I read that).

There's no use arguing against the ridiculous fee of €60 to print out a boarding pass. There's no point asking why that's in place, because it's not going to stop. If you don't have a boarding pass, you're gonna pay. If you don't like it, tough. You stupid, stupid idiot.

So if you're still going to stick with Ryanair, you may need a little help checking in and priniting a boarding pass.

Luckily for you, I just this morning checked in for a flight to Bristol next week (the same destination as Ms Mcleod, the passenger in question, spookily)

My friend was trying to check in at the same time, and failed. What a STUPID IDIOT she is, eh?

For her, and you, here are some tips...

Check-in Online with Ryanair

What you'll need...

• Computer with internet connection, or a hotel that you're not staying in, or a friend with a fax machine and all your personal information
• A printer with ink and paper
• Your passport, and a passport for all those you're checking in
• Sunglasses (it's a very bright website)
• A glass of wine (you're on holiday!)
• A credit card (for all those tempting extras)

Let's begin.

1. Go to www.ryanair.com and click 'online check-in'.

2. Fill out your flight info - confirmation number, email address, destination will do it.

3. Click down through all the options on the next page, to say that you haven't tampered with your own luggage, or something, even though you probably haven't even packed yet.

4. Check your details, and input your passport info.

5. Click check-in. And you're done!

6. Oh wait, you're not. You have to pick a seat, for €10. No... wait a second... click at the bottom, and say "No thanks!"

7. Finished? No. Do you want insurance? You do, but not like this. You already have it. Find 'Travel without insure' and click on that. This used to be hidden in a non-alphabetical listing, the scamps.

8. Do you want to add a bag? No, silly. You're flying with hand luggage! But do take a minute to think about if you can actually fit it all in. Because that's a real hefty fine to pay at the gate.

9. OK, you don't want to take a checked bag. But there's more! Do you want to take a canoe? Because now is the time. Don't be dithering, looking at it in the living room and wondering whether or not you'll need it. Make a decision. It's €100 to bring it, by the way, as it is for any musical instrument, sporting things etc.

10. Seriously, now you're done. Click check-in (remember you can't make any changes after this point without handing over your first born) and PRINT. If you somehow lose the boarding pass, you can print it again up to 4 hours before your flight.

Well done! You're all checked in. Not so stupid now, eh?